Friday, February 10, 2012


So... It's been awhile, huh?

Yeah, the Capt. has been pretty busy with school and things (schoolschoolschool) so I have been neglecting you readers, and for that I am dearly sorry. But, alas, I am sure you understand, as everyone has been in school at one point in their lives, be it graduate or grade.


More of my (attemptive) creative yammerings are to follow this little bit of nonsense intro as most of you may know that I am indeed a REAL CAPTAIN! Yes, I have my own crew of Pillagey Pirates and we love to have fun and things (involving rum). So, I have come up with a creation story of my Bewb Crew as  a favor to the Boson of my mate and fellow Capt., Jack Hammer (Joshua Parmer a.k.a. "Cheese"). She cornered me a couple days ago and told me of her most romantic and quite adorably cute V-Day plans for her man and asked for my help. She wished for me to compose a story of how we created our most illustrious Bewb Crew, and I most humbly obliged. Following is that story, as it actually happened. I swear it on my oath as  Pirate...

The Bewb Crew
(A Creation Story)

Once Upon a Time in the distant and fantastical world of TRF, there lived two scurvy mates who wandered the high seas looking for adventure. Each mate held his own contingency plundering and pillaging to his heart’s desire, drinking rum and enjoying the fruits of the most pleasurable company until one day, these two mates both happened upon the same island.
Twas a tall island, full of trees bearing strange fruit, Rum Fruit!! “Huzzah!” said each mate as they sailed their sloops up onto shore, one upon the North shore, and the other ran aground upon the South. The mates, respectively, ran into the fruitful trees and began to shimmy up the trunks in pursuit of the Rum Fruit, casting many a fruit upon the ground for each mate held a healthy appetite for the Rum! They ate and ate until their woes of the world disappeared and their heads began to swim of everything most fine and Piratey. Well on into the night, each mate had the most enjoyable of solo parties, each on their respective sides of the island. When night had completely consumed the day, the mate on the North shore began to make a fire, the most amazing fire you have ever seen! ‘Twould warm many a partier, tis for sure! She had plenty of driftwood and tossed some Rum Fruit upon the flame to enhance the size and aw of the bonfire, and make no mistake on its size, for it got the attention of the South mate as he saw the tip of the flame from amongst the top of the trees. “Oh no!! Not the Rum Fruit!” said he, for he believed his precious Rum Trees to be on fire. Running frantically through the forest grabbing as many fruits as he could (waste not, want not, ye know) he happened upon the strangest of scenes when he broke through the tree line on the other side. Dancing wildly around the most monstrous of fires and singly as loudly as she could, “It’s a Pirate’s Life for MEEEEE!” was this strange little pirate, drunk off her arse, having the best of pirate times all by her lonesome. The other mate was so astonished, and hammered, that he decided to join in the fun and began dancing and singing around the fire as well. For hours and hours, until the break of the dawn, did these two fools drink and sing and stumble in the sand having the most wonderful time, until finally they could dance no more and passed out on the sand with Rum Fruit spewed all around them.
When they awoke the following dusk, a most peculiar converastion ensued…
“Ahoy there!” said South. “Ye sure know how to have a right Piratey time, mate!”
“Yer not so bad yerself there, bub! We sure did have us a blast! I LOVE RUM!!” replied North.
“INDEED!! The name is Hammer.” said South, “Jack Hammer.”
“Pop.” replied North, “Pop of the Lollies of Lob. Pleasure meetin’ ya!”
“HAY!” said Hammer, “ye know what is just as good as rum?? BEWBS! HAHAHA!”
“Ye know,” Pop grinned, “ye be damn RIGHT! BEWBS ARRR AWESOME!!”
            They both laughed their most heartiest of laughs and became immediate friends.
“Ye know what?” said Hammer, “we should make our OWN Pirate Crew! We can sail the seas and party like Pirates all the year round if we had ourselves a proper crew!”
“Ye be durn right!” replied Pop. “We shall makes us a Crew so AWESOME the land has never seen it’s equal! And we shall be the BEWBIE PIRATES! Cuz we loves us some boobs!” she shouted as she jiggled hers for enjoyment and enthusiasm.
“HOORAY FOR BEWBIES!!!” They both exclaimed and began drinking more of the Rum Fruit and toasting each other for thinking of such an Awesome idea.
            After another night of drinking and celebrating, the two mates began to make their preparations for departing their island and set out to find mates for the Bewb Crew, when upon reaching their respective sloops, found that the little ships had floated away in the nights and days out into the open sea. “Oh No!” the both exclaimed. “What are we gonna do?” For as happy the two mates would have been partying on the island for the rest of their days, they wanted to adventure upon the seas and find Bewbs who likes Boobs as much as they did and drink and enjoy rum together. Almost at the same time, the mates noticed a pair giant of sea turtles swimming lazily in the island’s bay. “Light bulb!” said the two mates as they eyed the unsuspecting turtles and came up with a plan of epic proportions. Hammer prepared a whip-rope from the vines of the Rum Trees and proceeded to jump one of the turtles from behind and lasso it into submission. After many minutes of thrashing about in the shallow bay, Hammer won his victory and the turtle submitted. “HA! Yer mine now turtle! Now float me outta here so’s I can go get me crew started!” The turtle nodded and Hammer became his master. “That be a lot of unnecessary thrashing,” said Pop who sat comfortably upon the other turtles back and scratched her head as she floated easily through the bay water. “How’d you do that? Catch yours so easily? Mine was right dreadful and hard to tame! No fair!” exclaimed Hammer in frustration. Pop shrugged, “Twas easy, she likes Bewbs too! I flashed her mine and she offered me a ride! I win!” Both laughing hysterically at the feat began to sail upon the backs of their turtles together and having the most merry a time finally back upon the sea. “Hay!” said Hammer, “What’s yer turtle’s name?” “Nipply!” replied Pop, “Since she favors them so! What’s yers?” “Vengence!” said Hammer with fervor, “Since he is a nasty brute who will stare down any who comes in his way! I like it!” And they sailed off into the sun laughing heartily, drinking rum, searching for Bewbs and adventure…
            Thus is the tale of how Cap’n Jack Hammer and Cap’n Lollie Pop created the Bewb Crew and sail upon the seas of Awesome on the Nipply Vengence! YARHAR YE BEWBS!
(or give us Rum)


  1. Ch. 2....
    the ignorant bewb who did so stamp out the rum fruit fire in a fit of regretful ignorance and insolence one evening. 20 lashes and no rum for a week for the insubordinate mate!!!

    This story has brought joy to my pitiful existence of a day that is standing a 24 hour watch. The pirate life is not all booze and boobs. There is work to be done sometimes! :)~


  2. Glad I could help bring giggles to your otherwise giggless watch duty, matey! :D

    As for the fire, we shall just have to make another one and dance around it!! RUM ALL AROUND!