Trying to Find the In-Between

It has been one hell of a long week for so many of us. Death has the shuddering ability to suspend the world in motion, throwing us all off balance. Someone you expected to know your whole life, someone you have known since you were kids, suddenly and without warning yanked from the breath of this world.

There are no words which can describe that feeling of loss. For you, the still living, still breathing, the world stops. Reality comes crashing in. Hope dissipates before your very eyes. Unable to function or think in the simplest sense. This is the harsh reality of the effects of sudden death.

How do you deal with these things? Many people have varying ways in which they cope. I, myself, am a mechanical person. Set me at the simplest tasks and keep my brain focused on anything but what is emotionally going on around me. Must keep moving. The world has stopped, but I must keep moving or I will lose my mind...

The shitty part about all of this is that it never gets any easier. I have experienced so much death in my lifetime, but none of my former dealings with this matter ever prepare me for the next. I never become desensitized to the fact that someone, someone I know, have known for most of my life...
I cannot even finish the sentence.

With all of this, the experience, how does one get moving again? Life does go on, whether you want it to or not. How do you pick yourself up off the floor and get your ass in gear and take care of what needs to be done? In theory, the mechanics keep you going. Wake up, shower, eat, drive, school, work, eat, sleep. You would think all of this would keep you busy, and it does, but what about the time when you have nothing to do? Or when you see something on the road, or hear a song on the radio and cannot help but breaking down into tears? This is the hard part. You will always be reminded of the person you miss.

Comfort of family and friends helps a great deal. You can pick each other off the floor. Tell awesome funny stories and share your grief with one another. I always feel that I am the one working hard to make everyone smile, but what about the times when I break down? It's more than likely you will never see it, because what happens when the person you use as a rock crumbles before you? It is devastating.

So I keep on moving mechanically completing my chores of life. Going to school, doing homework. Trying to be the best person I can be because I know that is what the person would want for me, to Live.
To Love.
To Keep Breathing.
To Be Happy.
I must strive each and every day to pursue my dreams, never taking an opportunity for granted. I will get my ass kicked if I don't. My resolve is strong. It was strong before, but now it is impenetrable. I will fucking Live, truly Live.

It's so damned hard to deal with this shit, but I can promise that I will never give up. I keep reminding myself of the good times, the silly times, and I feel comforted and blessed to have known you. I will make more of an effort to tell the people I love that I appreciate them, and at the same time, never miss an opportunity for an adventure. I will be thankful for my life and stop and smell the roses. It's going to be hell of hard, it fucking sucks right now, but I will never stop living, until it is my destined time.

It is never, ever, easy to lose someone close to you. Never take for granted the people in your life. They help shape you. They are a part of who you are. Honor them by saying they are important to you and never miss a chance to go do something Awesome.

It is so cliche to say, but it is the damn truth: You never truly appreciate the last time you hang out with someone, until it is the last time. Make each "time" count. Really count. Only then will you have no regrets.

I will not wallow in sorrow, nor will I get so full of myself that I forget what is important.
I will constantly struggle to find the In-Between.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
~Buddha

Chronicles of No One: Part Three

Rasping. Wheezing. Ugly, horrid sounds escape my mouth as I exhale.

Another Lost Dream.

More blood. More violence. Shadows of monster-like figures play across my still dazed and sleep weary mind.

Clues. The images must be clues. They make dream drugs, but can they control your dreams? I am beginning to toy with such an idea. Sitting in a closed cell with no light or sense of time will do that to you.

Drive you crazy.

 At first, the Whites didn't seem to be interested in my dreams, or anything else besides keeping me lucid and plugged full of prescription cocktails. But, every time I wake, more nurses in white come running in to dope me at the first sign of my body stirring.

The drugs are both torture and a blessing. The more intense my physical reaction to my dreams, the more tranq must be in that needle. When I seem to find peace absent the dreams, the drugs they bring in daily act as an agent, sneaking into my mind and slowly bringing the demons that plague my subconscious to a rolling boil until I spill over the edge, my body writhing in pain.

It must be a system of control. Bring her to the breaking point… but don’t let her body fail. Give her enough rest to recover before starting the process all over again.

Fuck this hell.

(A voice whispers mockingly...)

Bitch. You get what you deserve. Fucking murderous cunt.

Oh yeah, did I mention I am also insane?? I hear voices when I am awake. They scare the shit out of me to be frankly honest. Calling me horrible names, speaking of unthinkable terrors. Picking at the borders of my sanity.

They talk directly to me. Taunting. Evil.

There must be a purpose to all of this.

I must get out of here. There has to be a way…

(No One begins to sob angrily. Clenching her fists into tight balls of fury she begins to scream against the walls of her confine.)

“FUCKTHISPLACEANDFUCKYOU!!!!! PIECE OF SHIT HELLHOLE WITH YOUR PIECE OF SHIT VOICES!!!!!
FUUUUUUUCKK!!!!”  

(Nurses rush in and manage to pin No One down and restrain her to the bed. A female nurse with Red hair peeking out from under her cap produces a needle from her pocket and brashly administers the drug to No One’s neck. The hysterics immediately lose sway as the drugs take effect.
Just as No One is about to drift off into unconsciousness, the unknown voice pipes in for a lullaby...)

More drugs for the crazy girl. Always more drugs.
Sleep tight, little bitch! I’ll be seeing you soon…

Inspiration

Don't you just love the long awaited epiphany feeling after weeks of mind blocks? I sure do! I am also pretty sure that most people do not suffer from this episode quite as much as I do, as most people are not trying to accomplish the next to impossible task of becoming a writer... a successful one of course.

Nonetheless, I have been working on a short story now for the past few months and have been having a hard time trying to figure out the ending direction. I always had a thought in mind, but how to execute it effectively has eluded me for some time now. Thanks to my dreams returning to their wonderfully inspirational and fantastical state, I now have the mechanics to finish it. YAY!

"Chronicles of No One" was a spur of the moment writing exercise that included simply me sitting down with a blank canvas and a keyboard - OKGO! The first excerpt turned out quite well, flowing along with ease. The second excerpt went pretty well also, but left more questions as to how I would end the durn thing... Hrrmmm.

Like most writers (I would assume, since I know so few) I have my stories constantly stewing in the back of my mind, ready to be brought up to the front lines at a moments notice. The main aspect being my novel that I have been working on for the past two years now (Alyce!) and this short story that began as a let's-play-around-with-writing-and-see-what-comes-out exercise. I have notes on both and add to them whenever I get any fleeting moment of inspiration. Such inspiration can come from literally anywhere: dreams, movies, TV shows, conversations, people watching, animals... The list is endless. Although, my favorite soup from which I pull ideas is from the ramblings of my subconscious.

Usually my dreams are an endless source of inspiration, full of fantasy and surreal events. Lately, I have to admit, this has not been the case, and it has left me utterly devastated. For almost 6 solid weeks, every night, my dreams have been polluted with horrible, utterly horrible Nightmares. Now, anyone who knows me on a personal level knows that I rarely ever have bad dreams. Rarely as in almost Never. But, something has been infiltrating and plaguing my mind to cause my dreams to take a turn for the worst, leaving my writing and my persona in a state of desolation.

Oddly enough, however, this paranoid state I have experienced very closely resembles the protagonist in "Chronicles" as No One constantly has nightmares, all consuming ones, that has resulted in her lost identity. Extremely weird parallel... {Found it!} I am sure the close correlation between myself and one of my protagonists was completely coincidental, but, I will take what I can get. As a result of my own personal plight, I now have a solid direction in which to take my story to conclusion. It is odd how the universe works, quite odd indeed. I am not saying in any way that this short story is a major work from the up and coming Lauren Fae, as it will probably remain an exercise, a test, in which I better myself as a writer. However, I am a firm believer in silver linings, no matter how small.

While the case of my personal nightmare advent is still open and under investigation, I am quite confident to say that "Chronicles" will be completed very soon and available for your reading pleasure. Stay tuned!

Save the Cheerleader, Save the World.

All hail the wonders of Geekdom!

Most of you should recognize the title as being from the late fantastic, yet utterly too short TV show, "Heroes." I have recently indulged myself on this show once again after stumbling upon it in the queue in Netflix whilst recovering from a smashing weekend camping on the beach. I thought to myself when I saw this new addition in my hungover state, "Yus! Something interesting to watch that I won't feel bad if I pass out because I have already seen the entire series!" What I did not expect was to attentively glue my eyes and my exhausted brain to the tele for 7 hours. What happened to my hangover nap??

What started off as me looking for something to watch and not really pay any attention to at all, turned into a week long obsession of re-watching this series, with fervor I might add. While most do agree that the latter half of the third season and pretty much the entirety of the fourth just plain sucked, the first two and a half seasons displayed genuine artistry in story-line and what it means to be a hero in today's world. Does one simply have to have "superpowers" to be a hero in a child's, or anyone's eyes? The show started off with quite an interesting concept: real people in the modern world displaying possibly the next generation of human evolution enabling them to have "abilities" beyond the normal realm. What the show accomplished, at least somewhat in my own mind, is a sense of what really makes a hero.

The characters in the show all have varying obstacles to overcome in their respective lives, but each is faced with a variation of the same problem: What makes a hero? Peter Patrelli, the all good, self-sacrificing savior type struggles with family ties and corruption within the walls of his own house. Claire Bennett, the actual healer in the show, deals with similar problems as Peter with her dangerous Daddy, but also faces the issue of constantly being the damsel in distress, needing a hero to save her... (Save the Cheerleader.) And by far my favorite character, Hiro Nakamura, raises the question outright of what makes a hero and what he would do to save the world as he constantly battles with time and space, a very dangerous power in evil hands.

Hiro's case is very interesting as he is the official "nerd" in the show, constantly referring to superheroes in comics and sci-fi characters such as Spock. It is interesting to me as I believe any geek who actually stumbled upon an ability would react the same way, doing whatever was necessary to live up to the responsibility laid before him in acquiring such power, and having quite a bit of fun at the same time. Hiro's case is quite compelling as most anyone graced with the ability to bend time and space would seek to further their own personal needs in life. Hiro thinks beyond this and immediately takes on the task of saving the world. Why? Because he feels it is his duty. Unselfish, kind-hearted, and just the right amount of innocent equals the optimum hero in today's age. Hiro acquired enough experience in his journeys to make the right choices and put the task of preventing disaster before the needs of anything else. Although, he does struggle a bit when he falls in love and his choices are compromised somewhat, he learns from his mistakes and constantly strives to better himself and become a better Hero. All this drive in his character is based upon what stories he read and adored as a child. My question is this... Do the stories we read and absorb as children really help us in shaping our future personalities and communal drive to better our society?
My answer: Definitely.

We read about heroes saving the princess as children, and watch cartoons about kids saving the world and we dream about being like them: strong, quirky, good. What, then, goes wrong with the kids who grow up to be murderers, rapists, and criminals? Were their dreams crushed as a child? Did they even have a childhood? Most people would psychoanalyze the source of the problem to childhood issues, and I feel that they would be correct. Teaching a child the rights and wrongs of the world is no easy or simple task... But a necessary one to preserve our future as an intelligent and progressive race. It breaks my heart to know that there are children out there without a hero to look up to. Everyone, even adults, need a role model. We socialize to identify ourselves. We adapt and change to become more pleasing, more desirable, to our fellow Homo sapiens. Everyone needs a hero to look up to and strive to be more like. Whether fictional with telepathic abilities, the ability to fly, or even your normal, non-mutated Mom or Dad, everyone needs some sort of Hero, someone to light the way and give us hope.

Find your Hero. Do not be ashamed to show you have one.
Mine is Hiro Nakamura... "Yatta!"

Too Many Syllables

Those that know me on a personal basis are aware of the fact that...

I JUST GOT MARRIED!!! YAY ME!! *He's mine now evil laugh*

It should be noted that my delectable husband and I were engaged for quite a lengthy period of time before saying the vows; about a year and a half. During this time, while I was ECSTATIC to finally be on the happy road to matrimony, I absolutely had the most problem addressing my betrothed as my 'fiance.' Why you ask? Because the word has too many syllables, dammit!

It should also be taken under consideration that my now husband and I courted for a period of just over ten years before finally tying the knot. Yes, we dated for over a damn decade. That's 10 years, or roughly, 120 months, 520 weeks, 3650 days, 87600 hours, 5256000 minutes, and 315360000 seconds of calling him my 'boyfriend.' See? Two syllables. Boy Friend. Easy Peasy!!
That is, until we got engaged, and everyone kept correcting me that he was no longer my easy and comfortable, two syllable, 'boyfriend' any longer, but some frenchy, uptight sounding, way too snazzy for my tastes, three syllable 'fiance.'

W.T.F.

How does one go from being the easy to say and not hoity-toity "Oh, he's my boyfriend, like, you know?" to the utterly stuck up and painful to say, "Daaahling, he's my Fianceeee..." I mean, there's even supposed to be a damn accent on the word! (Thank you, Blogger, for not picking that up!)

My frustration knew no bounds for pretty much our entire engagement as I struggled to conform to societal norms and remember to say this confounded word. At first, it was pure dumb luck that I forgot to say it. It was easy to get away with the 'boyfriend' slip in the beginning months because we had just got engaged, and old habits die hard, ya know? However, as the months passed, I found it harder and harder to use that excuse as people expected me to be familiar and comfortable with my new arrangement, at least enough to change his status while talking about him. Jeez people! It's a long and annoying word! ...So, I tried it a few times, and even pretended to swoon to convince people that I was excited about the dribble language coming out of my mouth. (Mind you, I was indeed SO FUCKING EXCITED TO FINALLY BE GETTING MARRIED!!! Make no mistake about that! It's just the wording that got in the way...)

I find myself thinking of that riveting season-ending episode of "Supernatural" when Castiele is about to smite Michael before the apocalypse takes over the world, and what phrase does he use to get the Archangel's attention??  "Hey! Ass-Butt!"

Yeah, that's about how I felt every time I tried to warm up to the word 'fiance...'
Ass-Butt.

Here's a little etymology information on my most loathed word, as I am frustrated with it so, I must know where the confounded thing comes from...
Basically, 'fiance' is a French word for 'betrothed.' 'Fiance' being the male equivalent and 'fiancee' being the female. You can even doll it up and put an accent on the 'e' to make it look purty.
'Betrothed.'
I would have MUCH rather have said that word. At least it doesn't sound like you slapped someone while they were saying something: "Fians.. *slap* HEY!"

By and by, I finally gave up on trying to conform to society's norms and kept referring to the man as my boyfriend, and when people got in a huff about it, I simply said, "It's too many dang syllables."
It's odd how quick that shut most people up.
Smile and nod.

Now I am sitting extremely smug in content land as I no longer have to banter with horrible words to refer to my HUSBAND. God, I love that word. Simple, direct, to the point. Husband. So much love in that one word.
Say it with me, 'Husband.' ...Doesn't that just make you smile?
See? Easy Peasy.
It's all in the syllables.

The Squirrely Day that Only Comes Around Every 4 Years!

Yup, you guessed it! Today is February 29th! Happy Leap Year Day!!!

As some of you may already know, I have a minor obsession with holidays, weird holidays, and general histories and fun fact about abnormal days that occur in our human existence. I never got these stories growing up, but now thanks to the wonderful powers of the almighty interwebs, HUZZAH! Information widely, and worldly available!

Most everyone does know the reason behind leap year. But, jut in case you live under a rock, but happen to have internet access and are reading my blog, According to my trusty wiki:

"In the Gregorian calendar, the current standard calendar in most of the world, most years that are evenly divisible by 4 are leap years. In each leap year, the month of February has 29 days instead of 28. Adding an extra day to the calendar every four years compensates for the fact that a period of 365 days is shorter than a solar year by almost 6 hours."

Yes, indeed, most everyone in the US of A knows this little bit of info as to the why of the extra day in the month of Feb. But, has anyone ever wondered if there were some crazy traditions that surround this day? Why, yes, I sure do!!! Here's some interesting tidbits to amuse you for the day. You can only do this once every four years, ladies!

"In Britain and Ireland, it is a tradition that women may propose marriage only on leap years. While it has been claimed that the tradition was initiated by Saint Patrick or Brigid of Kildare in 5th century Ireland, this is dubious, as the tradition has not been attested before the 19th century. Supposedly, a 1288 law by Queen Margaret of Scotland (then age five and living in Norway), required that fines be levied if a marriage proposal was refused by the man; compensation ranged from a kiss to £1 to a silk gown, in order to soften the blow. In some places the tradition was tightened to restricting female proposals to the modern leap year day, February 29, or to the medieval (bissextile) leap year day, February 24.

According to Felten: "A play from the turn of the 17th century, 'The Maydes Metamorphosis,' has it that 'this is leape year/women wear breeches.' A few hundred years later, breeches wouldn't do at all: Women looking to take advantage of their opportunity to pitch woo were expected to wear a scarlet petticoat—fair warning, if you will."

In Denmark, the tradition is that women may propose on the bissextile leap year day, February 29, and that refusal must be compensated with 12 pairs of gloves.

In Finland, the tradition is that if a man refuses a woman's proposal on leap year day, he should buy her the fabrics for a skirt.

In Greece, marriage in a leap year is considered unlucky. One in five engaged couples in Greece will plan to avoid getting married in a leap year."


Also some info about people with birthdays on Feb. 29th:



"A person born on February 29 may be called a "leapling" or a "leaper". In common years they usually celebrate their birthdays on February 28 or March 1. In some situations, March 1 is used as the birthday in a non-leap year since it is the day following February 28.

Technically, a leapling will have fewer birthday anniversaries than their age in years. This phenomenon is exploited when a person claims to be only a quarter of their actual age, by counting their leap-year birthday anniversaries only. In Gilbert and Sullivan's 1879 comic opera The Pirates of Penzance, Frederic the pirate apprentice discovers that he is bound to serve the pirates until his 21st birthday rather than until his 21st year."


So, if you have been waiting on that oh, so special guy to pop the big question and are getting restless, today is your day to give it a shot! Hey, the worst that can happen is you'll either end up with a kiss, some money, or spanky new threads if he refuses you. Not too shabby!!

And, if you happen to be a Leapling, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Be glad you aren't a Pirate sworn to servitude, especially on my ship...  

~Capt.
m>^.^<m

Fun Fact Info taken from wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_year#Folk_traditions

Change

Yes, change. Everything changes in life: clothes, hair, weight, cars, kids, the planet. But, the change we most seem to recognize is change in other people; mostly the people in our lives that surround us from the day to day. There may be that  acquaintance at work that you never really got to know that got another job and moved on. Your brother got married and moved away so you see very little of him. Friends from high school that were the absolute best of your friends at the time that you can't remember the last time you spoke to ten years later. People are constantly coming in and out of our lives. Why is this?

The answer may be as simple as we are ever changing creatures ourselves. We may not notice it as much because, you know, well, we are looking at ourselves and tend not to notice the little changes that creep in. Your mood may have changed or you adopted a new life attitude and didn't realize it. You started hanging out at a different bar than the regular spot for some fresh feel. You may have picked up a new hobby. Or, even the more subtle, you didn't really change at all except for a tiny fraction of yourself and someone just fazed themselves out of your life. Things don't always happen intentionally, but we do grow apart and evolve. We are the pinnacle of evolution on our planet, so is it really so surprising that the best friend or sister you had last year is suddenly seeming to be on a different play field? Maybe they have something going on in their own lives that is changing them and they must alter their perspective in order to cope. Also, there is the case of the person you were such good friends with ten years ago, lost contact with for the most part for whatever reason, and suddenly because of a nasty divorce, they are your best hang out buddy again. People seem to move in an out of our field of vision, but they are never really gone. It's just the path that everyone must walk often times takes us in different and unexpected places.

It is hard to see the reason behind such changes in our lives, especially the bad changes. Someone may have broken your heart and your trust. It is hard to let them back inside the castle. Hell, maybe you don't even want to, ever, because the hurt was so bad. That is okay too. I like to think so anyway. Not everyone on the planet is good for your karma. People can be deceptive and have intentions that you cannot even dream of because they are so close to you. It is hard to see the bad in such a seemingly good person. People also transition from awesome to dangerous during the course of a relationship. The best friend or soul mate you once knew and fell in love with may not be that same person today. What do you do? The answer is difficult and never the same since we are all different and so diverse in our personal mentalities. The struggle may be hard, but the end result may be that the obstacle was necessary to elevate you both at the same time to a higher state of trust. Other times, you just may have to let go...

Why am I saying all of this? It is because I am starting to sense a trend in my own personal relationships with the various people close to me in my own life. I have lost friends and gained new ones almost at the same time. Friends that I never thought would betray me or hurt me have caused the most pain I have ever felt on an emotional level. Other people have come into my life and have been that much needed ray of sunshine and given me so much perspective and they didn't even realize it. You have to pay attention to the people around you. They can help you understand yourself if you are ever feeling lost. That person you met yesterday or the co-worker you have known for a year may seemingly to all of a sudden become your new best friend. It's funny how things happen. It's called life, and it is so extremely difficult to see the path or higher purpose. We tend to be linear beings by nature, only seeing what is in front of us. We must learn to look all around us, up in the sky, down at the ground, behind us, as well as forward, for the answers do indeed dance all around us in various forms.

This month has been very important to me, not only on a personal level, but on a spiritual level as this month marks the Sabbat of Imbolc, or basically, Rebirth. The sun is rising and blanketing the earth more and more everyday clearing away the winter snow to show the new growth in the land and the coming of Spring. This is very much a metaphor for life during this time when I am seeing so much change all around me. Sometimes you just have to let go of some people in order to make room for the philosophies of others. It is not a bad thing, but a natural progression, one that we all must take part in if we are to grow as individuals.

So, when that best friend or sister lets you down, the brother moves away, the new guy at work starts paying attention to you, or the shy girl suddenly warms up to your glow, remember that the universe has a purpose. Pay attention to it, even if you may not understand it. You will be amazed at what you may discover just by listening.