Monday, September 3, 2012

Trying to Find the In-Between

It has been one hell of a long week for so many of us. Death has the shuddering ability to suspend the world in motion, throwing us all off balance. Someone you expected to know your whole life, someone you have known since you were kids, suddenly and without warning yanked from the breath of this world.

There are no words which can describe that feeling of loss. For you, the still living, still breathing, the world stops. Reality comes crashing in. Hope dissipates before your very eyes. Unable to function or think in the simplest sense. This is the harsh reality of the effects of sudden death.

How do you deal with these things? Many people have varying ways in which they cope. I, myself, am a mechanical person. Set me at the simplest tasks and keep my brain focused on anything but what is emotionally going on around me. Must keep moving. The world has stopped, but I must keep moving or I will lose my mind...

The shitty part about all of this is that it never gets any easier. I have experienced so much death in my lifetime, but none of my former dealings with this matter ever prepare me for the next. I never become desensitized to the fact that someone, someone I know, have known for most of my life...
I cannot even finish the sentence.

With all of this, the experience, how does one get moving again? Life does go on, whether you want it to or not. How do you pick yourself up off the floor and get your ass in gear and take care of what needs to be done? In theory, the mechanics keep you going. Wake up, shower, eat, drive, school, work, eat, sleep. You would think all of this would keep you busy, and it does, but what about the time when you have nothing to do? Or when you see something on the road, or hear a song on the radio and cannot help but breaking down into tears? This is the hard part. You will always be reminded of the person you miss.

Comfort of family and friends helps a great deal. You can pick each other off the floor. Tell awesome funny stories and share your grief with one another. I always feel that I am the one working hard to make everyone smile, but what about the times when I break down? It's more than likely you will never see it, because what happens when the person you use as a rock crumbles before you? It is devastating.

So I keep on moving mechanically completing my chores of life. Going to school, doing homework. Trying to be the best person I can be because I know that is what the person would want for me, to Live.
To Love.
To Keep Breathing.
To Be Happy.
I must strive each and every day to pursue my dreams, never taking an opportunity for granted. I will get my ass kicked if I don't. My resolve is strong. It was strong before, but now it is impenetrable. I will fucking Live, truly Live.

It's so damned hard to deal with this shit, but I can promise that I will never give up. I keep reminding myself of the good times, the silly times, and I feel comforted and blessed to have known you. I will make more of an effort to tell the people I love that I appreciate them, and at the same time, never miss an opportunity for an adventure. I will be thankful for my life and stop and smell the roses. It's going to be hell of hard, it fucking sucks right now, but I will never stop living, until it is my destined time.

It is never, ever, easy to lose someone close to you. Never take for granted the people in your life. They help shape you. They are a part of who you are. Honor them by saying they are important to you and never miss a chance to go do something Awesome.

It is so cliche to say, but it is the damn truth: You never truly appreciate the last time you hang out with someone, until it is the last time. Make each "time" count. Really count. Only then will you have no regrets.

I will not wallow in sorrow, nor will I get so full of myself that I forget what is important.
I will constantly struggle to find the In-Between.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."